Feel The Pain

It is not "gay" at all - it takes immense courage. What many men desire is a compassionate witness, someone to sit with them, listen to them, and for it not to be used against them. The final part is often why many refrain from sharing their pain. However, it is necessary because dams can only hold out for so long - cracks will form, water will trickle, and then flood through. Every man has a point where he can feel this "impending doom" creep up - for he can intellectualise that which he holds within all he wants, but the body will reveal the truth. Truths lodged in the throat will always need to be expressed.

Unfortunately, in our modern society, sharing information also creates exploitable vulnerabilities. Many men hold back because they simply cannot trust others, as the space provided is often an illusion and conditional. This is especially true in certain intimate relationships, where what they have revealed has been weaponised against them or caused the loss of respect - and attraction. However, isolation is not healthy, nor is the repression of emotions - both are merely delaying tactics. The former is simply removing environmental triggers, not healing the core wound.

To move through pain requires doing the work, unearthing every facet entirely. It is a can of worms - where one logically thinks one is opening one aspect, only to be flooded from all directions - including things that will come to light as one progresses. This process will also take time to resolve, usually around one to two years to do it properly. It is a period where every facet is dismantled, then painstakingly rebuilt. More often than not, these men are aware of the likely onslaught but have simply put it off through various means to the point where it can no longer be sustained.

Healing often means talking it through with someone who is intellectually compatible enough to comprehend the layered issues. Men of higher intelligence have a myriad of unstable paradoxes, which may not be as apparent to those who can barely manage binary concepts. Furthermore, not everyone has the spiritual reserves to hold space for another in the way that is needed. Most of the time, men are more than capable of resolving it all if they are offered the space to do so, by a willing observer who truly holds pure love for them - who wants to see them become the best they can be. It is often finding this observer that is difficult - a true friend in a spiritual sense, who will just be there in all the moments that don't make sense, that haven't quite formed, and when their steps feel wobbly. But even more so, someone who has befriended their own shadow and comprehends the pain of integration. Like a pupa, one must dissolve into liquid before emerging - the breaking through of the cocoon is actually the final test. Once this happens, there will also be a liminal period, where one feels like a spiritual infant again, unsure of one's new form. This is normal, and with the right company, it is completely achievable. Furthermore, therapists who have not confronted and integrated their own shadows will only be treating others based on books, in theory. There will be little intuitive application based on true comprehension through experience.

Finally, it is often not the events themselves that keep individuals trapped in pain, rather, it is the absence of compassionate support and a sense of unconditional acceptance that prevents them from fully experiencing their emotions, from allowing themselves to feel the pain - utterly unencumbered. Usually, with damaging events, trust is lost not just in others, but in themselves as well, in their ability to discern the world for what it is - because at least one major aspect of their worldview was shattered. Thus, in its place, an ever-growing devouring abyss of beliefs emerges - much like a festering wound that never heals because it is never properly tended to, never given the care and space it needs to close. These beliefs are much harder to undo. In this instance, intelligence usually works against their favour too. As time progresses, the mind, in its effort to protect the soul, weaves a myriad of justifications and defences - layer upon layer of reasoning that obscures the raw truth. Yet, more often than not, the answer lies in fear, shame, guilt, disgust, sadness, or anger. These are the currents beneath the surface - unacknowledged yet ever-present - waiting for the opportune moment to be felt, understood, and finally released. After all, the retracing of steps and unlearning of forged beliefs are simply an effort to reclaim the spiritual authenticity they once had as children.