How do you know these things? Genuine question. I just uncovered this boulder in my own psychology, and Im curious how you "know" these things. Theresolution I discovered is exactly what you said.
This sounds like it was pulled straight from my brain and the ending aligns with my extensive therapy and 'reparenting' process I have been going thru this year. The past few weeks in particular trying to get out of my isolated fortress of solitude and accepting the warmth of a social existence has been particularly important to me.
Like you say, it feels dangerous, you have to ground the deluge of thoughts in your head upon what is physically real in front of you, and on a daily basis I seem to get discouraged and feel I am unworthy and never enough... though each day I push through to new wonders.
I know another comment does not agree with this post, I am glad they developed better than I. I was raised by women too and I do find them easier to relate to. However, regardless of how much our society tries to claim otherwise women live under a different life model than men. They cannot provide you understanding of male confidence, attraction, or competition. Even if they try, because their mental systems for these areas are so different that they could tell you everything they think is the perfect man... then if they saw that man in reality they would find it dull and 'emotionless' and never love him (even though women are the 'more emotional ones').
Maybe I am so aligned to this post because I lived a dangerous life and my mother was too much into herself to understand my needs. Many aspects of my younger identity were based on becoming an antithesis of my father (who I was glad was gone), but that was insufficient and I spent decades trying to find sufficiency. Even as I blew on by in so many fields of intellect, skill, with talents others would envy I just kept feeling eternally small.
I so desperately wanted love but had no template, tried anyway, but without familiarity or a comfortable core to retreat to; when failures occurred they could break me apart. Eventually in my ignorance of how to be satisfactory I lost everything. And now years later I awake to realize I am a sleeping giant, and I still feel so hollow, but I hope with willpower and God willing to fill all that mass with joy and honor as I am starting to understand who I need to be and that is already a reflection of who I always was.
It did not feel like a struggle to grow up without a present father. I never felt love was unfamiliar or a threat to be resisted. And, why would a mother's (and other family's) love not be an equally convincing model for what receiving love feels like, compared to a father's?
Then, the question of "enough": It never presented itself to me. "Enough" wasn't elusive, it was absent. And for good reason - because yes there is something about being alone in constructing one's sense of manhood, assuming no brothers either, that makes you feel like one of a kind. Not connected to other men. Not comparing yourself to other men. Not really having "man" as an identity.
So I think while some of the symptoms ring true, the diagnosis is backwards. The issue isn't constant comparing with other men, it's not seeing other men at all and expecting everything to come from ... women. Women who, because their experience and nature is different, through no fault of their own will not completely understand you. Yes, this much rings true. The desire to be understood does wane eventually. But I must say, generally, women have been very, very kind and dedicated in trying, and it really goes a long way. So... to women: thank you.
Now for the reflexive intellectualizing - I don't think that will ever go away. Brutal honesty helps. Hence this comment.
I have subscribed before to your Substack and never unsubscribed, yet it looks as if I am unsubscribed. I tried to subscribe several times and it simply goes through the motions but doesn't actually subscribe me.
One can only kneel in the presence of such wisdom, receive the blessing of openness, and rise a different being …thank you.
How do you know these things? Genuine question. I just uncovered this boulder in my own psychology, and Im curious how you "know" these things. Theresolution I discovered is exactly what you said.
I care deeply, I listen, and I observe.
This sounds like it was pulled straight from my brain and the ending aligns with my extensive therapy and 'reparenting' process I have been going thru this year. The past few weeks in particular trying to get out of my isolated fortress of solitude and accepting the warmth of a social existence has been particularly important to me.
Like you say, it feels dangerous, you have to ground the deluge of thoughts in your head upon what is physically real in front of you, and on a daily basis I seem to get discouraged and feel I am unworthy and never enough... though each day I push through to new wonders.
I know another comment does not agree with this post, I am glad they developed better than I. I was raised by women too and I do find them easier to relate to. However, regardless of how much our society tries to claim otherwise women live under a different life model than men. They cannot provide you understanding of male confidence, attraction, or competition. Even if they try, because their mental systems for these areas are so different that they could tell you everything they think is the perfect man... then if they saw that man in reality they would find it dull and 'emotionless' and never love him (even though women are the 'more emotional ones').
Maybe I am so aligned to this post because I lived a dangerous life and my mother was too much into herself to understand my needs. Many aspects of my younger identity were based on becoming an antithesis of my father (who I was glad was gone), but that was insufficient and I spent decades trying to find sufficiency. Even as I blew on by in so many fields of intellect, skill, with talents others would envy I just kept feeling eternally small.
I so desperately wanted love but had no template, tried anyway, but without familiarity or a comfortable core to retreat to; when failures occurred they could break me apart. Eventually in my ignorance of how to be satisfactory I lost everything. And now years later I awake to realize I am a sleeping giant, and I still feel so hollow, but I hope with willpower and God willing to fill all that mass with joy and honor as I am starting to understand who I need to be and that is already a reflection of who I always was.
“They may receive love but instinctively resist it - not because it is not wanted, but because it feels unfamiliar.”
This feels like a mixed bag.
It did not feel like a struggle to grow up without a present father. I never felt love was unfamiliar or a threat to be resisted. And, why would a mother's (and other family's) love not be an equally convincing model for what receiving love feels like, compared to a father's?
Then, the question of "enough": It never presented itself to me. "Enough" wasn't elusive, it was absent. And for good reason - because yes there is something about being alone in constructing one's sense of manhood, assuming no brothers either, that makes you feel like one of a kind. Not connected to other men. Not comparing yourself to other men. Not really having "man" as an identity.
So I think while some of the symptoms ring true, the diagnosis is backwards. The issue isn't constant comparing with other men, it's not seeing other men at all and expecting everything to come from ... women. Women who, because their experience and nature is different, through no fault of their own will not completely understand you. Yes, this much rings true. The desire to be understood does wane eventually. But I must say, generally, women have been very, very kind and dedicated in trying, and it really goes a long way. So... to women: thank you.
Now for the reflexive intellectualizing - I don't think that will ever go away. Brutal honesty helps. Hence this comment.
I have subscribed before to your Substack and never unsubscribed, yet it looks as if I am unsubscribed. I tried to subscribe several times and it simply goes through the motions but doesn't actually subscribe me.
A problem with Substack?
An issue with me wondering if you're an AI?
let me know. I'm curious.