Rarely does society address the struggle of men who grew up without a present father, or who were deeply betrayed by theirs. They face a silent dilemma of when to stop gathering intel and what "sufficient" even feels like. Even with brilliant minds and impressive accolades, they second-guess whether they are "enough", unsure when they can finally accept the man they have become - or if feeling that way consistently is even possible.
In forging their own definition, construct, and moral code of manhood - these men are forced into relentless metacognition, interrogating their own patterns of thought and assumptions - and questioning every authority that crosses their path. The kicker is the quiet undercurrent of self-imposed pressure and anxiety - not only to avoid replicating what they despise, but to create a legacy untouched by the same burdens and wounds. So they subconsciously cast their nets wide, push to extremes, and hoard outlier wisdom.
The chain-breaker of generational trauma is often the most unhinged - socially ousted if his covert mentality were ever exposed - yet he is also the true champion of honesty and courage.
For such men, the notion of "enough" feels deeply elusive. It is like a new father who longs to be devoted yet has no template for healthy love - he does not know how much affection is "right" or "enough", but assumes there must be a benchmark because he knows all too well what wrong feels like. They often question whether the love they have to give is "enough" - an unspoken insecurity they carry with a quiet sense of shame. And more often than not, they find that external definitions of "enough" do not align with their internal sense of it.
In romantic relationships, this pattern often repeats. They are complex beings - not seeking to be understood, yet quietly longing for it. They may receive love but instinctively resist it - not because it is not wanted, but because it feels unfamiliar. They misread unfamiliarity as absence of desire - a common misconception. As with any new mixture, you have to pour in a little, let it settle, and allow the body to acclimatise.
Clarity begins when they allow their reflexive intellectualising to become the passenger - not the driver - by noticing what feels physically true through interoception, accepting that unfamiliar warmth does not signal danger, and recognising that they are already "enough".
How do you know these things? Genuine question. I just uncovered this boulder in my own psychology, and Im curious how you "know" these things. Theresolution I discovered is exactly what you said.
This sounds like it was pulled straight from my brain and the ending aligns with my extensive therapy and 'reparenting' process I have been going thru this year. The past few weeks in particular trying to get out of my isolated fortress of solitude and accepting the warmth of a social existence has been particularly important to me.
Like you say, it feels dangerous, you have to ground the deluge of thoughts in your head upon what is physically real in front of you, and on a daily basis I seem to get discouraged and feel I am unworthy and never enough... though each day I push through to new wonders.
I know another comment does not agree with this post, I am glad they developed better than I. I was raised by women too and I do find them easier to relate to. However, regardless of how much our society tries to claim otherwise women live under a different life model than men. They cannot provide you understanding of male confidence, attraction, or competition. Even if they try, because their mental systems for these areas are so different that they could tell you everything they think is the perfect man... then if they saw that man in reality they would find it dull and 'emotionless' and never love him (even though women are the 'more emotional ones').
Maybe I am so aligned to this post because I lived a dangerous life and my mother was too much into herself to understand my needs. Many aspects of my younger identity were based on becoming an antithesis of my father (who I was glad was gone), but that was insufficient and I spent decades trying to find sufficiency. Even as I blew on by in so many fields of intellect, skill, with talents others would envy I just kept feeling eternally small.
I so desperately wanted love but had no template, tried anyway, but without familiarity or a comfortable core to retreat to; when failures occurred they could break me apart. Eventually in my ignorance of how to be satisfactory I lost everything. And now years later I awake to realize I am a sleeping giant, and I still feel so hollow, but I hope with willpower and God willing to fill all that mass with joy and honor as I am starting to understand who I need to be and that is already a reflection of who I always was.