“Avoidant” has become so overused, flung about carelessly in the current dumpster fire of a dating culture, that it has stripped the humanity from what is a very real wound - a paradoxical wound of closeness and worth.
I resonate with this writing a great deal. I feel that the qualities one has to cultivate in order to endure emotionally unstable/unsafe parental dynamics are attractive to people because most of us are wounded in some way.
However, if someone is drawn to our strength for the wrong reasons, they end up reenacting their parental wounds, using us a resource, or a projector screen and leaving cleansed of some trauma that we hold for them like a sponge. We are so used to love being an exchange, of devouring their sorrows in exchange for tokens of affection that we think that all love is that unhealthy.
The greatest sign of love from someone who truly appreciates us is to not do that, to be the only person in the world that doesn't need us to be strong for them, or their healer, or there new parent.
They can show us this by creating space for us, for needing nothing at times, and fostering spaces where we can learn boundaries, healthy emotional dynamics, and how to receive love in dignified equanimity rather than a currency of service.
They may lean on us at times, but they see us as more than a resource, more than a strong person, more than their private therapist
Its someone who admires the armor, and skills we acquired to survive, but loves the scarred healing body underneath even more. It is something we all need in these times.
Excellent. Speaks of a profound connection and a long time spent observing someone with this constellation. Comes from a loving space and enjoy all the metaphors.
Thank you for describing this. So eloquently and humanizing both parties so well. This is the most painful romantic event possible. I thought I was so strong. I've never loved or missed anyone so much.
I responded to this in longer form on X, but I wanted to thank you here as well. It happens to be exactly what I needed to read, at exactly the time I needed it.
I resonate with this writing a great deal. I feel that the qualities one has to cultivate in order to endure emotionally unstable/unsafe parental dynamics are attractive to people because most of us are wounded in some way.
However, if someone is drawn to our strength for the wrong reasons, they end up reenacting their parental wounds, using us a resource, or a projector screen and leaving cleansed of some trauma that we hold for them like a sponge. We are so used to love being an exchange, of devouring their sorrows in exchange for tokens of affection that we think that all love is that unhealthy.
The greatest sign of love from someone who truly appreciates us is to not do that, to be the only person in the world that doesn't need us to be strong for them, or their healer, or there new parent.
They can show us this by creating space for us, for needing nothing at times, and fostering spaces where we can learn boundaries, healthy emotional dynamics, and how to receive love in dignified equanimity rather than a currency of service.
They may lean on us at times, but they see us as more than a resource, more than a strong person, more than their private therapist
Its someone who admires the armor, and skills we acquired to survive, but loves the scarred healing body underneath even more. It is something we all need in these times.
Beautiful piece
Hits home
Excellent. Speaks of a profound connection and a long time spent observing someone with this constellation. Comes from a loving space and enjoy all the metaphors.
Thank you for describing this. So eloquently and humanizing both parties so well. This is the most painful romantic event possible. I thought I was so strong. I've never loved or missed anyone so much.
I saw your tweet about this post earlier, and even though I already knew exactly what it was going to say, it made all of my parts nervous.
It was still good to see it externalized, though. With a resounding, “yep…. yep… that’s exactly what it is…” the whole way through.
Thank you. 🙏
Nice piece. Very well rounded.
Thanks for sharing.
I responded to this in longer form on X, but I wanted to thank you here as well. It happens to be exactly what I needed to read, at exactly the time I needed it.