Storm Carriers

There are loving children who grew up in broken homes, who became individuals carrying heavy burdens of awareness that were never theirs to bear. Often the eldest - or simply the one who saw through everything - tried to hold it all together - for themselves, for their siblings, for a family that was only a family in name, never in spirit.

They feel responsible for the ones who didn't make it out, or who got lost along the way - the ones who sank deeper into pain, addiction, apathy, or silence. They replay moments, wondering if they could've done more - said more, intervened earlier, loved harder. Just another weight they silently carry on their shoulders - forced to make choices imposed upon them, walking a path they never chose. It often becomes a devouring black hole in their hearts - alchemised as fuel, or perhaps momentum - to forge a path that might somehow justify their existence.

But the truth remains - we cannot save, or force awareness upon, those who either cannot or choose not to see - based on what they could cope with at the time. We cannot outlove someone's will or their innate capacity. That kind of realisation causes a tectonic fracture within a child still trying to make sense of a disorienting world with only the limited tools they had, a child attempting to carry siblings through a storm they did not cause.

This silent weight quietly haunts these individuals - many of whom do not know how to forgive themselves. Or perhaps they don't want to, because then, what would propel them forward?

They often logically know it isn't their fault - and yet, they rarely allow themselves to feel this truth. Many do not want to be pitied, nor do they wish to use it as an excuse to wallow - but they should offer themselves the grace to sit with the fact that it was terrible. Regardless of external factors, or what others may have experienced - it was horrible for them. There is power in accepting that.

But the real question they must ask is this - if a child from the same home came to them and expressed deep pain about a sibling who didn't make it, blaming themselves - would they impose such blame on that child? If not, then why do they hold themselves to a different standard?

It was never theirs to carry. They were doing their best too - juggling everything they could, with hands too small for all that weight, created by adults fighting legions of their own invisible demons.

They need to remember - they did well, with what they had.