I have always felt as though I have never belonged, regardless of whether acceptance was present, because if you cannot be perceived for who you are, be understood for what you are, it is not true acceptance.
I suppose it is almost a sense of immersive attunement that is alive, in all its atmospheric wonder. Perhaps, at a deeper level, it is recognition outside of myself, the kind found within shared comfortable silence.
I have never even felt a permanent sense of self which I can connect to a person or a place. I shift, people shift, places shift, and the connections I made over my lifetime are real, and meaningful, but not lasting as a particular permanent thing. Commitments last, but that’s not connection. Things shift, and I shift. I make serial connections with people, but each is different, some in the context of committed relationships, because of the shifts. Am I a New Yorker? Am I a Texan? Am I a nomad? Yes, yes, and yes, but not all at once.
The only place I’ve been is in this reality, but belonging is ephemeral, it’s a framing, and the frame is constantly changing. Others say they do belong, and I take joy in their satisfaction with that, but I don’t know where I belong because I also don’t know where I don’t belong.
I also somehow felt this that I am kinda odd but I thought that's probably not from the predominant tribal ethnicity of the city I grew up in and I also don't speak the predominant language. I also felt like I don't fully belong to my city because I also felt like I am already a part of another city. And so, I told myself that I can just belong to the country instead of just one city. Then I also told myself that I belong to my self wherever I go. That's my home.
« Energetic congruence » - what a perfect and superb description of the quest I’m very familiar with. Likewise the wondering whether it’s a blessing or and curse, well, it is what it is and being wired like that there no other choice than continuing the « soul cartography » relentlessly but joyfully.
In the Sufi tradition there’s a word for this space between worlds and states, an isthmus as it were: barzakh.
Please continue pour out pearls from the depths of your soul. You’re so at your place there and the resonance with « like-souled » a smashing match.
I suppose it is almost a sense of immersive attunement that is alive, in all its atmospheric wonder. Perhaps, at a deeper level, it is recognition outside of myself, the kind found within shared comfortable silence.
I have never even felt a permanent sense of self which I can connect to a person or a place. I shift, people shift, places shift, and the connections I made over my lifetime are real, and meaningful, but not lasting as a particular permanent thing. Commitments last, but that’s not connection. Things shift, and I shift. I make serial connections with people, but each is different, some in the context of committed relationships, because of the shifts. Am I a New Yorker? Am I a Texan? Am I a nomad? Yes, yes, and yes, but not all at once.
The only place I’ve been is in this reality, but belonging is ephemeral, it’s a framing, and the frame is constantly changing. Others say they do belong, and I take joy in their satisfaction with that, but I don’t know where I belong because I also don’t know where I don’t belong.
Beautiful essay. Thank you for it.
I also somehow felt this that I am kinda odd but I thought that's probably not from the predominant tribal ethnicity of the city I grew up in and I also don't speak the predominant language. I also felt like I don't fully belong to my city because I also felt like I am already a part of another city. And so, I told myself that I can just belong to the country instead of just one city. Then I also told myself that I belong to my self wherever I go. That's my home.
« Energetic congruence » - what a perfect and superb description of the quest I’m very familiar with. Likewise the wondering whether it’s a blessing or and curse, well, it is what it is and being wired like that there no other choice than continuing the « soul cartography » relentlessly but joyfully.
In the Sufi tradition there’s a word for this space between worlds and states, an isthmus as it were: barzakh.
Please continue pour out pearls from the depths of your soul. You’re so at your place there and the resonance with « like-souled » a smashing match.
🫶🌹✨
Thank you, Tina.
A cartographer need not have found the way yet. It is only through time spent in the wilderness that a map of any real use can be made, anyway.