The reason why those who choose to break generational trauma move me so deeply is because they willingly create multiple internal paradoxes for the benefit of the next generation - and choose to live with ongoing inner torment, struggle, and the questioning of patterns that have been deeply encoded during a time of survival. It is a decision to fight against everything within - learnt destructive instincts that may not always feel emotionally wrong - making it hard to distinguish between what they have always known and what is objectively "right". It is sacrificial, for by the very nature of these paradoxes, there will always be a degree of suppression, which often manifests as physical ailments. For as much as healing reveres unlearning, what we know deeply always remains - no matter the extent of our awareness.
What is even more excruciating is when they are self-aware - when they've "done the work" and understand why something is destructive - yet the pull of familiarity still feels tempting. It comforts them. It feels easier, more controllable - more them.
What follows is a stage of mental torment - an eternal limbo - where weaving complex solipsistic rationalisations to justify old behaviours becomes an unwanted ritual - all the while, they remain painfully aware of doing so, even as they simultaneously try to forcefully convince themselves to choose what is objectively "right" and wholesome.
Because it's not just about "unlearning" what hurt them - it's about choosing, again and again, to go against what still feels emotionally compelling, even when they intellectually know it's wrong. For familiarity is seductive - no less a mental addiction than any substance - thus breaking that loop - over and over - is what makes the healing process so violently brutal and so valiantly brave.
What does that even mean?